benson boone sucks

watch me flip out on pop's newest and brightest star

rant

Last year, when YouTuber/”rapper” KSI came out with “Thick of It” and everyone called it the worst song ever made. Well, I participated in the meme so hard that I now know every single word to that song front to back.

Similarly, I detest the idea of Benson Boone to such a severe degree that I’ve almost become a fan.

Every once in a while when I’m at work or doing some boring task, I cannot help but go “PLEAAAASEEE….TAAAAAAKE….THESE BEAUTIFUL THINGS THAT I GOT!” in the most obnoxious and mocking voice that I can muster up. It’s like the concept of the ear-worm has become literal, and it’s slowly burrowing into my brain and replacing anything of value with “MOONBEAM ICE CREAM TAKIN’ OFF YOUR BLUE JEANS DANCIN’ AT THE MOOOOVIES”. I can feel it physically wiggling around in there, and I understand how RFK Jr. feels now. Because of the brain worms. It’s manufactured pop consent: if you hear it enough times over and over again to the point that you start singing it, you’re now a fan, by default. You’re a Booner.

After incessantly making fun of pop stars Taylor Swift and Ed Sheeran, I have become passive allies with them, like when villains join “The Family” at the end of Fast and Furious movies. I ragged on them for making generic, impersonal, repetitive slop-songwriter music, but Mr. Boone has taken that to an entirely new level, it’s almost impressive. Taylor Swift’s Red is like Mozart and Ed Sheeran’s writing is as witty as Oscar Wilde to me now, compared to this motherfucker.

He is the first ever Flip First, Music Last artist that I’ve ever heard of, at least. The flipping has to fucking stop.

He’s flipping on SNL:

Flipping at the AMAs:

Flipping off Jimmy Fallon’s desk:

Flipping for to promote the JBL Flip:

The flipping is impressive, but you don’t sell out an arena tour in five minutes because of flips, unless you do? Because really, what the fuck does bro have to offer to the world aside from the theatrics? His music, as I’m about to get into, is unoriginal, IPA festival pop-rock that’s been done 855,000 times by other artists before him. Why is this guy the headliner? The mental gymnastics that you need to go through to answer that question honestly would make Benson Boone blush. Because it would involve a lot of flips. It seems like the internet and the rest of the world hate him, but maybe that’s what makes him such a draw.

His music yearns back to a time when you were younger and didn’t get to decide what to listen to. The radio personality, the DJ at the 8th grade dance, or some other adult just put on Maroon 5 or Imagine Dragons and you listened to it over and over and over and over and over and over and over. It makes perfect sense that he was discovered and signed by Dan from Imagine Dragons. He is the new state mandated pop singer — down to the flag waving behind his beautifully battered and chiseled abs on the cover of his new album, the generically titled American Heart. He’s hot, I’ll give the guy that. Me, you, and everyone you know, have become Booners.

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artist: benson boone

album: american heart

If I could describe this album in two phrases, it would be:

“Harry Styles At Home”

“High Pitched and Overly Dramatic”

There’s a conceptual term that I’d like to coin called “false chills”, where an artist utilizes tried-and-true methods within a song in order to give you unearned goosebumps. Almost every single song on American Heart deploys this tactic, from the overly dramatic string sections on “Momma Song” to the warm bassy instrumental on “American Heart”. It goes along with the manufactured pop consent that I was speaking to in the “rant” section, where record companies try their hardest to tap into objectivity. Yeah, yeah, we know most of these lyrics don’t mean anything, but how did him singing it make you feel? Sure the live singing isn’t that good, but that form on that flip was impeccable. Well, Benson and crew, if you want me to rate your music objectively, I’ll act like a teacher.

grade: F

I’m failing you for plagiarism, Mr. Safe Sleazy. It’s over for your ass — you’re expelled. Every song has been done better by Bowie, Springsteen, Styles, and — dare I give credit to one of the worst bands ever — Neon Trees. We open with the appropriately named “Sorry I’m Here For Someone Else,” which perfectly encapsulates this guy’s entire career, because his music makes me want to go listen to whoever he’s stealing from. On this song, he’s retroactively sticking himself in the One Direction / Shawn Mendes / 5SOS arms race that has long been concluded and wrapped up for several years. It’s complete with horrible lyrics like, “I’m at the diner looking traumatized, walk up to the table with an order of fries.” He never explains exactly what’s so traumatic about being at a diner — is he AJ Soprano, did his dad just get shot in the head or arrested? The entire song just feels like he’s dunking on his ex, telling her in so many words to put the fries in the bag. I think his ex is a diner waitress — I can’t tell, because he doesn’t really explain shit at all. Yet he wants to evoke the master American storyteller Bruce Springsteen with that cover? Fuck off.

When he has nothing to write about, we get what I call “outer space nonsense,” like “Mr. Electric Blue” (ELO ripoff) or “Mystical Magical” (Queen ripoff). The latter is where we get what’s gotta be the worst lyrical phrase of the year: “moonbeam ice cream taking off your blue jeans, dancing at the movies,” which, to my ears, means absolutely fuck all. And to Benson, it also means absolutely fuck all. It’s so cringe for him that Ben & Jerry’s (based of them) didn’t respond to making a product of the same name, which would’ve been a lay-up for them. It kinda feels like everything bro does is for branded activation, really. Every song on the record sounds like walking around Governor’s Ball or some other festival on a hot day, and cooling down by going to the Budweiser Mist Tent or some shit. And you hear these synths and basslines in the background and think, “yeesh, I’m glad I’m at the Trojan Condom Waterslide and not listening to that.” “I Wanna Be The One You Call” hit me with this the hardest of all the songs — I can almost taste the $10 corndog I just paid for with my Apple Pay–activated wristband.

Aside from the generic festival rock vibe this gives me, and the horrible lyrics (“Flip phones, Listerine, drinking coffee… Cars, trains, T-shirt stains”), my main gripe with this album is the same gripe I had with The Dare’s debut: it is (insert artist here) for the TikTok era. Every song is under 3 minutes long, and none of the crescendos or powerful moments are earned because of it. Tracks like “Momma Song” or “Young American Heart” never build up to anything exciting — instead, they start slow, and within 1 minute, you get the payoff. He’s going to the highest octave he can reach (or, more aptly, can’t reach) to up the stakes, and to me, that’s amateur as fuck. I’ve written and recorded music before, and that was always the easiest way out and the most surefire way to make a song sound generic. It’s hard to even point to specific moments that do this, because it’s literally every song. You’re enjoying a nice vintage synth arpeggio, and then it’s Benson in this high-pitched fucking voice in your ear saying some shit like, “THE LAAAAAAST OFF ANNYYYYY LIIIIIGHTTTT INNNSSSIIIIIIDDEEE HIIIIIS EEEYEEESSSSSS.” He did this infamously on “Beautiful Things” — “PLLEEEEASSEEE…TAAAAAAKE” — he thinks this is good singing. It’s shit.

Overall, this album suffers from many of the same issues that lots of wannabe pop does nowadays. These artists take shortcuts instead of building up their sound over time. They blow up off one TikTok song and immediately start dressing like their contemporaries, writing albums in 17 days, and ultimately — getting clowned by internet critics while reaping tons of real-world success. This is usually the point where I’d offer some criticism about the path to chart forward from here. For The Dare, it was to start writing interesting melodies, add more instrumentation and jams, and maybe even just be a producer. For Benson, I don’t know what to say. He’s mega-successful. He’s hitting all the marks as a culturally relevant figure and successfully charting pop artist.

Go listen to “Late Night Talking” by Harry Styles or Born In The U.S.A. by Bruce Springsteen or “Bicycle Race” by Queen. Literally anything but this shit maaaayne.